Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Why are your pants in the freezer?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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