You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
