My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
