Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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