There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
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we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
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I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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