she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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