you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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