my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
