Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
