Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
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Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
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They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
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