Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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