I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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