dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
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I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
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He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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