She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
