I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
sex in a hospital.. check
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
