Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
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Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
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Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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