Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
