i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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