Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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