roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
