Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
