Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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