i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
