just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
