I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
