my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
