I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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