News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
