My first STD was from a foam party
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
