you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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