got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
