just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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