take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
