she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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