i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
