the condom got lost in my hair
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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