just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
