I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
