It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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