Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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