My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
