So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Michael Bay diarrhea
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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