I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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