She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
