so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
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The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
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The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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