Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
