he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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