So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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