I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
