dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
