she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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