YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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