Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
