I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
