Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
