there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
