what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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