I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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