well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
