I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
